I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
