I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I believe in your delicious
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
