i already hear my dad disowning me
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
