I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
