i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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