I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
