you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
