I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
