I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
