eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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