Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need a beard to bite.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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