all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
