Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
