when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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