I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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