Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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