you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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