Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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