I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
