Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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