my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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