I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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