I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
