i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
