This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
