i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
