I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
