Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
