and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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