So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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