I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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