I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
