I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
