my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
