giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The dick lei will go down in squad history
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
