It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
