Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
