Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
