I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
