If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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