Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When did angry sex become our thing?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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