I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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