you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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