Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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