This girl is more easily done than said...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
