Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
