I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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