why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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