I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
