yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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