I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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