He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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