He disabled his match.com account in front of me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
