can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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