for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
