I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
