dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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