ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
