i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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