im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
