meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
