I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
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Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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