I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
