I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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